In my last season our coach finally convinced us that staying in our positions was much smarter than huddling around the ball.  We went from never winning to finishing 2nd place in the league with nothing more than a simple attitude adjustment.

Fast forward to high school and after playing and starting in football I decided to switch back to soccer.  Unfortunately I was forced to quit early due to a foot injury.  It appeared my soccer days were over (either that or I really should’ve stuck with football).

Fast forward again to my military career and an intramural league.  Because I was one of the few players on any team that was familiar with the sport I was a star player (given the amount of beer we drank when we weren’t playing actually just being able to run more than 10 feet made you a star in that league).  I was pleasantly surprised at how much of the footwork had stuck with me though.

Fast forward (next to last jump I promise) to last year.  My daughter decided to play soccer.  I was ecstatic because it meant I wouldn’t have to fight to stay awake at softball games.  Also, since I had played soccer on and off I thought it was great that I could share that with her.  Unfortunately her coach left a lot to be desired such as organizational skills, training skills, physical stamina, and knowledge of the actual game.  We had our first game before this guy even set the kids up for a scrimmage.  They had absolutely no clue what the game was about.  I volunteered to assist but he was so disorganized he didn’t know what we would do next in practice.  Every time I’d ask he would start frantically thumbing through printouts.  It was a disaster.  I decided late last year that my daughter would not have another coach like that.

So as the way overused saying goes “If you want something done right do it yourself”.  I decided I wanted to try my hand at coaching.  While my wife was working with the Parks and Rec to get my daughter registered for the season she also found out they were collecting coaches applications.  Not sure whether or not I stood a chance of being selected being a relative stranger to the Parks and Rec folks I still wanted to throw my name in the hat.  Amazingly (to me anyway) I was selected!  I do think Gardner Parks and Rec should apologize to my current employer because for a few minutes after receiving the e-mail my productivity was shot:)

So now my lunch time consists of coffee (absolutely no surprise to anybody who knows me) and reviewing various sources of information on coaching.  I already have a central web site set up for the team (where I will start up a team blog and see how that goes:) ), have downloaded training plans and drill definitions, and of course pictured myself leading a bunch of happy kids through the season.

I better get back to my day job but on future lunch breaks I’ll be posting more updates on my adventures as “Coach Smith”.  Also, if you have any tips for first time coaches like myself please send me a message (or two).

“Prior to your previous email regarding your Compensation Claim, I am writing to inform you…”

Did these folks invent time travel? They are writing me now which (in their words) is happening before my previous message. If you think about this too hard you might get a headache.

The letter then states I will be receiving $2.8 million dollars. To quote a line from The Dave Chapelle Show “I’m rich biatch!!!”

Then comes this profound statement:

“You are your Name, Address, City, State, Zip Code, Country and Telephone Number(s)”.

Is that anything like “You are what you eat”? Also, why did they stop there? Oh that’s right, asking for an SSN would make it *way* too obvious it’s a scam!

Finally, in order to get my money I need to e-mail all of the above info to UPS so they can send my check. I’m supposed to mail it to “ups-shipment@excite.co.uk”. UPS (a multi-billion dollar corporation) apparently can’t afford their own server. Maybe I’ll give them some of my 2.8M to get them one.

So “Melinda White (Commissioner United Nations Compensation Commission)” gets the Knucklehead of the Week award for not even trying to create a believable scam. Hopefully that’s the most he or she ever gets from that message!

I am not the Curtis W. Smith who is the defendant in a trial somewhere in New York. I have not been in trouble with the law so other than a short dury duty stint the closest I have been to trial is watching Law & Order in HD.

I am not an orthopaedic surgeon from Cleveland. I have been fortunate enough to never have any major health issues therefore my knowledge of medicine is limited. Hopefully the only extended hospital visits I have will be to help them set up new broadband data networks.

I am not a company in Corrigan, TX although I do have a habit of doing work myself that used to take several people.

I am not into making miniature models of Captain America. However I do like to make inanimate objects talk to each other (computers, routers, handheld gadgets).

I am not an Extension Horticulture Specialist located in Arizona. I am not even sure what extension horticulture is. That’s OK because I doubt any of them know as much as I do about dense wave division multiplexing, SONET, microwave and RF radio, or even the GPS constellation of satellites (I was fortunate enough to be involved in the deployment of that system which I now use to reach fitness goals).

In case you are still wondering where I came up with this list I did what most career experts did and “Googled” myself. Except for the first one who is in court they seem to be fine upstanding people. Of course with a name like mine, or more to the point exactly like mine, they’d have to be, right?

I'm not any of these Curtis W. Smiths